My heart knows me better than I know myself

... so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin' ...

A very dear friend recently pointed out to me that this part of my e-mail signature (quoted from the song, Black Horse and the Cherry Tree by KT Tunstall) has taken on new meaning since my "cardiac event" last week. In the wee hours of Thursday morning, January 30th, I was awakened by my heart speaking to me in a language that I did not know to be Cardiac-ese. I had never encountered my heart speaking in such a tongue. I had no way of understanding that it was awakening me to the possibility of permanent damage to its fragile components. Since that morning, I've replayed countless times those precious moments and I've gained a knew understanding of the language of my heart. My heart, my precious communicative heart wants to do some talking and it broke through a very real language barrier that morning in the only way it had at its disposal.

My last post, entitled "Silence is Golden" was almost 2 years ago. Clearly, my heart has had enough silence. It is time to come back to the public arena and share those "inner whispers" of Divine Wisdom that inspired this blog to begin with. So, with a reverent bow, I will attempt in this post to translate the dialogue that arose between me and my heart on that auspicious morning.

Me: Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z
My Heart (MH): Wake up.
Me: Huh? What? Ooooh, I feel weird.
MH: Wake up. You need to pay attention to me.
Me: This is strange. I feel as if my ribcage is filling up, like a balloon inflating. What did I ingest?
MH: Wake up. Sit up. You are in trouble.
Me: (sitting up) Whoah. My arms feel really weird, like there's an electric current running through them.
MH: That's right. Good. You're noticing.
Me: Wow, my arms feel kinda heavy. (I raise my arms overhead.)
MH: Yes! Yes! I've got your attention! Remember those articles you've read about heart attack symptoms in women and how they can be so different from the typical "elephant sitting on your chest feeling?"
Me: I must have had an anxiety dream. I'll just sit quietly and breathe for a few minutes and this weird feeling will go away.
MH: NO! I mean, yes, breathe and stay calm ... that's good, but don't stop there. Dial 911!
Me: (after several moments of calm, deep breathing) Strange. It's not going away and it's not getting worse. Maybe if I go back to sleep ... (reclining)
MH: NO!!! Jeez! Dial 911! Do I have to spell it out for you?
Me: Bizarre! I can't go back to sleep and this weird feeling is just sustaining. (sitting up)
MH: Yes! Great! Now reach for your phone and dial 911!
Me: I seem to remember something about heart attack symptoms in women being weird and easy to overlook.
MH: Now we're getting somewhere! Dial 911.
Me: (reaching for my laptop) Let's see, Google, "heart attack symptoms in women."
MH: Oh, no! Not research. Not now! Dial 911.
Me: (having found info.) Wow. I could be having a heart attack.
MH: Yes! Yes! Atta girl! Call for help! NOW!!!
Me: No. It simply isn't possible. I'm fit. I eat right. I manage my stress. I don't have high cholesterol or high blood pressure. Life is good. Oh, wait ... here's something that talks about estrogen levels and a narrowing of arteries after menopause. I'd better research the best cardiac hospital in the area.
MH: Are you kidding? (My heart sends a good, strong ZAP to my arms.)
Me: Yikes! What was that? Okay. This might be serious. What to do?
MH: Dial 911!!!
Me: Maybe I should dial 911. No, that would scare the bejeezus out of my mom. If she saw an ambulance drive up at 5:30 in the morning, she'd have a heart attack and die! I'd better call my daughter but it's 5:30. I should wait until 6:00 so I don't alarm her too much.
MH: This is ridiculous! Listen to me!!! Call your daughter if that's the only way you're going to get help but do it now!
Me: I'll wait and breathe calmly to see if this weird feeling goes away. If it's not gone by 6:00, I'll call.
MH: Sorry but you're asking for it ... ZAP!
Me: (my arms go mega-electric, I consider notifying Pepco.) Okay, time to locate the best cardiac hospital. (Another Google search yields bad news ... best cardiac hospital is probably over an hour away.) Okay, I guess I'll call my daughter. She has EMT training.
MH: At last. Lucky for you I am strong, healthy and patient. What a heart has to go through to be heard! It really should not be this difficult. There's got to be a better way!

So, long story short, my daughter came to my rescue. She took my blood pressure which was high for me at 150/90. She took my pulse which was weak. She drove me to the ER where I was admitted and prepped for surgery within 14 minutes. I meekly inquired of the ER team, "Am I having a heart attack?" "Chew on this aspirin ... yes," came the reply. One hour and a half later I was sitting up in bed in ICU, having undergone a successful angioplasty (the balloon procedure with which they widen a cardiac artery.) I was surrounded by loved ones. We laughed and hugged and felt very lucky.

Here's what my heart was telling me that morning, "You have a genetic predisposition for coronary heart disease. You were born with and have been living with abnormally narrow cardiac arteries. You've been good to yourself. You eat right. You exercise. You don't smoke. You manage your stress through yoga and meditation and all of that has served you well all these years. But, when it comes to listening to your heart, listening to me, you could do better."

Is it possible that my heart, itself, was drawn to the lyrics I chose over a year ago for my e-mail signature? Was it already talking ... trying to get me to listen? I like to consider the possibility that our organs are intelligent and communicative and creative. I teach and talk a lot about the importance of listening to our bodies. I'm grateful that I have a patient heart. I'm grateful that I eventually come around to listening, however imperfectly. I am grateful for the miraculous process of healing that makes up 100% of our bodies' 24-hour workdays. And I am grateful to my heart for awakening me. Now that my blocked artery has been cleared and my heart and I are on the mend, I will be listening more closely to everything it has to say. It's obvious from the dialogue above that "my heart knows me better than I know myself."

Stay tuned to this blog as I "let it do all the talking" on as many topics as it chooses.

Be well, everyone ... and listen to your hearts.  ~Namaste~